Loneliness

 Dear Ambre,

Today, like any other day lately, I have been feeling quite lonely. In fact, I am not alone every second of the day, though a large time is spent with me, myself and I.

I think about that sentence, the one that Joe had uttered when she was talking to her mother.

"I am so lonely". 

The young woman also said that she needed to be loved. To which her mother replied : "that's not the same as loving."

I don't know if it is truly loneliness what I am experiencing, or it is a dull boredom. Despite going through events that should make me stressed enough, I can't chase this feeling of emptiness. Of void.

I feel empty. And not just of love, of joy, of curiosity, of the will to make a difference and to live.

Also, I am away from my family, which is the only reason I am still trying my best. Because if I'm doing something, I'd rather be doing it for them. I don't deserve it anyway. I mean... What do I deserve ?

I fear that I am not even legitimate to ask for love because I know I wouldn't be able to give it back. But I think I just need something that my mind can wander in because it's all dull and black out there.

It doesn't necessarily make me unhappy. It sometimes does but it sometimes is just this absence of feeling. Which is also a feeling but not an enjoyable one.

I feel like I'm always trying to escape from my responsibilities and daydream about things that would have made me feel something.

I cannot fanthom falling in love if all I can give is non finished sentences, tired looks and an empty soul.

I never thought that it could happen to me but I guess my spark is gone. And I need it back.

I hate the fact that I love to be in distress since it draws more attention to me, and I am a vampire thirsty for attention, for blood and care. 

I just want to find something to do that can bring me joy again. I don't even feel like I have hobbies anymore since writing requires me to spend time I'd rather - according to adults in my life - spend doing school work.

School, school, school. Screw it, I don't know why I chose such a stupidly, stubbornly hard academic path. I maybe was too lazy to make the right choice, thinking that "I'm good enough at math to excell and how bad can it really be ?"

But I also think that sometimes I just need hugs and to cry on someone's shoulder. But I won't ask for that. I cannot let people see me crawl to their feet begging them for affection. If they did not give it to me at first, then they don't think I am worthy of it.